October 24, 2018
Now that I’ve been a Stay At Home Dad (SAHD) for the past year my “domestic” game is seriously sick. (That’s kid lingo for “totally lit” which means “really good”). I am now the LeBron James of grocery shopping, lunch making, and pre-treating the laundry. So, maybe I shouldn’t have been surprised when the kids and Emily were brainstorming about potential birthday gifts for me and they blurted out “OH OH, how ’bout something for the kitchen!!?!” followed by, “I know! – a new drying rack!?” Whoa! Seriously?! That’s where I’m at now?? What ever happened to the riding lawn mower or a circular saw!?
But actually, I would LOVE a new laundry rack! Totally not kidding. But, it’s got to be a BIG friggin’ rack yo! to hang my ever expanding load of non-dryables, delicates, Lycra yoga pants, Lululemon running shorts, and PINK (the brand, not the color) underwear! I’m good with the washing and drying, but with four pre-teen, teen, and adult females in the house I CAN NOT TELL WHO’S IS WHO’S ANYMORE!!! So take them off the rack and fold them (how? #dontcare)!!
A few other “birthday” ideas that I could suggest aren’t really “gifts” per se but rather stuff that I want my kids to STOP DOING to save what’s left of my limited sanity. Here goes:
First, stop using the goshdarn blender!!!! What madman invented a blender that can be used by a 12 year old to make a “smoothie”?!!!? (“Smoothie” is actually a French word that means take all the fruit, ice, yogurt, granola, and ice-cream out of the fridge and toss it around the kitchen like goddamn confetti!! AND, MAKE SURE you leave goopydrippy streaks of “smoothie” all over the counters and drawers!!!). Or maybe just get me a new power washer for my birthday so I can SPRAY DOWN THE KITCHEN AFTER YOU MAKE YOUR $%&@ SMOOTHIE!!
Second, for the love of Pete, pick up your candy-wrappers-apple-cores-soda-cans-Dorito-bags-and-crushed-to-powder-Goldfish from every nook and cranny of this camping hut we like to call a HOME!!!! How ’bout that!!? Or maybe just get me a jet pack leaf blower and I’ll just blow all that goshdarn trash into your closet!!! Which is probably where I found it in the first place!!!!
Third, if I’ve said it once I’ve said it a thousand times, SOCKS ARE NOT SHOES!!! If you want to play outside, in the barn, in the grass, in the mud, in the dirt – DO IT!! Awesome! Get some fresh air and forget you ever played Fortnite! But, please put some %&*@! shoes ON!!! I am now using an OxiClean pre-treating stain remover on your WHITE SOCKS that is so strong it’s illegal in 48 states and I have to smuggle it from Tijuana! The next time I find you running thru the fields like The Sound of Music with just socks I will make you wear a home-made white t-shirt with the words “SOCKS ARE NOT SHOES” to school!!! And don’t even think about getting stains on that white t-shirt either!!!!
Whew, there I said it! Wow, I almost feel like I need a few breaths into a paper bag after that rant! And, speaking of “paper bags” they go in the RECYCLING bin NOT the $%&@ garbage! Okay, I need to sit down now for the next seven seconds until my next minivan run to the school-dance-studio-lacrosse-practice-tae-kwon-do-tournament thingy! I love this job!