February 22, 2017

At this year’s Olympics was “grocery shopping” an event? No? Weird, cuz clearly doing bicep curls with two gallons of milk in each arm is WAY more athletic than [GASP!] ice fairy gliding (aka: “curling”). [Sorry friends in Minnesota!! That’s the truth! Someone HAD to say it!] Yeah, I was kinda hoping that the US Olympic coach would see me in the Safeway parking lot deadlifting 80kg of salami and soup cans and instantly recruit me for the 2022 games!

Even before I became a full-time Stay At Home Dad (SAHD) I was the Chief Procurement Officer (aka: primary grocery shopper) for our family AND a gold medal favorite in high-speed grocery carting. Seriously, GET OUT OF MY WAY if you’re at Safeway at 11:30am on Saturday or I will run your A$$ over with my 300lb food wagon!! I have optimized my route thru the store (PRODUCE > MEAT > CEREAL > DAIRY > BREAD > LIQUOR > LIQUOR > LIQUOR) and you don’t want to the be behind me in line because my cart is packed like nested Russian dolls. People gasp in amazement, “OMG! Did he just pull an 18 pound TURKEY from behind that megapak of HOT DOGS??!!”

But, my dominance in the sport of grocery shopping is not JUST in the sheer volume of products, but in their VARIETY. My customers include the wife, three girls, small boy, elderly nana, three dogs, and two cats (Let’s not count the horse, pony, chickens, and rabbits!) . Yeah, so I’ll rock up to the checkout with EVERYDAMNTHING from Pull-Ups to Depends; from coconut milk to organic baby kale; from sippycups to tampons (“GET THE ‘SPORT PACK’, DAD!!!” WTF!!! Like I know what a “Sport Pack” is??!!!). Seriously, I just hope the checkout lady takes pity on me and slips a small airplane size bottle of Jack Daniels in my reusable grocery bag for the ride home!

And then there is the “LIST”. Emily knows by now that if she gives me the Thanksgiving shopping list on three separate Post-It notes each with hieroglyphic chicken scratch I will literally curl up in the dairy aisle at Whole Foods and start crying. (Not saying this has ACTUALLY HAPPENED, BUT…..)

Because I am the boss of the shop, I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO GETS TO WRITE THE GOSHDARN LIST!!! Yes, you may suggest items. OK. Yes, you may text me while I’m at the store with a last minute suggestion. BUT DO NOT WAIT UNTIL I am ALREADY in the $%#@! checkout line with my food truck! Whilst reading the Enquirer headlines of Jennifer Aniston’s latest breakup-marriage-can-we-have-the-baby-already(!!!), I DO NOT want to get like 3 separate text messages one minute apart: “AVEDA ROSEMARY MINT SHAMPOO!!”….. “CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH, JUMBO SIZE BOX!” …. “SPORT PACK!!!””

But, if I am going to qualify for the 2022 Olympic grocery shopping team I need to be training for THE MOST demanding challenges and WITHOUT performance enhancing drugs like a bottle of Bud in my cart. The pièce de résistance is when Emily texts me with some obscure-can-only-find-this-at-one-farmers-market-in-the-State-of-California item like “ESSENCE OF SPICED CUMIN, PLEASE!!” Well, OK!!! This time ONLY! And only because you said “PLEASE” and because I’m shooting for GOLD in 2022!!