March 9, 2017

Dear Tupperware Collection,

This is really difficult to write because I’ve loved you for so long. We’ve spent so many years together, thru good times (like I-can’t-even-count-how-many leftover mac-n-cheese dinners) and bad (like the time I was temporarily insane and let the kids store that godforsaken homemade slime in you). The first time I saw you (OMG!) I was like, whoa…. “Hello, you curvy, sexy, super clean collection of plasticware! I can’t live without you!!” You had me at “Burp!” You were so good to me! And, OMG, the ALONE TIME we had!!! Grrrrrr!!! Quietly storing everything from hamburger patties to naughty chocolate morsels! I couldn’t get enough!!! [INSERT CARTOON OF ME SPOONING TOTALLY MATCHING SETS OF PERFECTLY NESTED TUBS AND LIDS!!!].

But, things have changed. Lately you’re totally disorganized and discolored. It’s like you don’t give a sh!t about me or packing fresh veggies anymore! Seriously, I’m embarrassed to take you on a playdate for fear of other parents thinking we are pure trailer trash! Have you even seen that messy PIT you call your “drawer”?? GEEZUS, how can you live like that!?? Your “drawer” used to be a tidy little stack of plastic storage joy! But now, it’s overstuffed with like seven mismatched lids for every GOSHDARN tub! And, you’re in there cohabiting with old empty water bottles (WITHOUT CAPS!), random Chinese take-out containers, and my new stainless steel YETI!! I mean, seriously, why are you such a being such a little BEATCH?!!

What am I saying?!!! WAIT!!!… I don’t want to break up! Sweet cheese and crackers!!! I don’t want to start a long term relationship with Ziplock bags (although I am TELLING YOU they are really good to me and I can throw them away after EVERY USE and not even shed a tear!!!).

BUT, maybe it’s ME and not YOU, right? Maybe if I took the time not to put Legos and broken crayons in your gleaming semi-clear plastic body things things would be better? Maybe if my kids didn’t put you on the lower rack of the dishwasher and expose you to scalding hot water that grossly disfigures your lids you’d still fit together? And love me?

Let’s take some baby steps together. Like ME not letting the dogs eat leftover hot dogs out of you and YOU not turning a slimy-semi-orange-ish color after you store spaghetti sauce in the freezer for four months. Okay? Feel better?

But, I swear, if you leak gravy all over the INSIDE OF THE REFRIGERATOR like you did last Thanksgiving (remember that!!!?) it’s O.V.E.R!!!!!