February 15, 2017

Do they even make Lululemon yoga pants for men? Geez, I don’t know, but I’m seriously thinking about buying some. Why? Because I am the rare “Dance Dad” who chaperones my 10 year old daughter (Fiona) to these Lycra fests (aka: Can’t-believe-this-lasts-the-ENTIRE-weekend dance competitions)! And, let’s be honest – 99.9% of the parents are “Dance Moms” where the defacto uniform is Lululemon-ish fitness attire. And, hey, I want to fit in too! Oh, but wait, would they make my butt look big? Or, worse, maybe too SMALL!? Shouldn’t a grown man in stretchy yoga pants have a BIG caboose? OMG! I will need start eating more protein bars if I’m going to look buff in these Lulus!!!

** NEWSFLASH ** Actually, I don’t care how big my butt looks in Lululemon yoga pants because I’m actually really totally fine wearing Levi’s and a pair of Vans! Hey, gots to be comfortable, as I’ve learned that chaperoning a dancer at dance conventions entails a lot of sitting on floors and supplying drinks and snacks to your hungry young dancer. Also noticed that a lot of the “Dance Moms” enjoy their OWN drinks – like specifically white wine at 9:30am in the morning. Hey, this is like tailgating! One of the “Dance Moms” also shared a dirty little secret that paper Starbucks cups can be filled with [GASP!] something OTHER THAN coffee! Oh yeah, time to make my own Dance Dad’s Single-Malt-Whiskey-Skim-Latte!

My wife Emily will call and check in to make sure I’m installing the correct clippy-ribbony-hair-bow-accessory-thingy in Fiona’s high-pony-tail-right-parted hair! Because as a guy who SHAVES HIS HEAD, I am clearly a stranger in a strange land with anything more than a comb (and I don’t even OWN ONE OF THOSE!).

One time Emily actually asked me if the other “Dance Mom’s” were “hitting on me”. OMG! [BLUSHING!!!] How sweet! As if!?? Come on, seriously? I’m a 50 year old guy with a shaved head who is binge watching UFC MMA in the hotel lobby and drinking whiskey out of coffee cup!!! I assured my wife that I might as well BE INVISIBLE in this crowd! As one of the Dance Moms once told me as if I was a lost puppy…”Oh, the Dads always look SOOOOO confused!” Which, ironically and sadly, was totally true. And, as Muddy Waters once famously sang, “Got my mojo working, but it just don’t work on you!”

Now, hold up! WHAT IF I was wearing some black Lululemon pants? Okay, right? Like the kind with that semi-mesh-see-through-side-panel-on-my-upper-thigh? Grrrrrrrrrrrr!!!! Watch out, ladies! This Dance Dad gonna bustamove!