May 4, 2018

As a father of four kids, including three girls, I am a man who needs a cave. People, I’m talking ’bout a serious man space. With man colors like grey, black, and that malty brown color of stout beer. With barbells, a punching bag, leather couch, broken appliances, and a beer fridge that IS NOT STOCKED with Capri Suns or Izzie fizzy drinks! (YOU WILL BE GROUNDED if I find ONE MORE half drank JUICE BOX in the beer fridge!!!)

But, while vacuuming the Man Cave (aka: “the garage”) (and, yes, I am “that Dad” who VACUUMS the garage!) I inevitably find something blatantly incongruous with manly cave dwelling like old Barbie dolls missing arms and then shout things like “WHO’S GODDAMN PINK PONY IS THIS?!! AND WHY IS IT SUCKING ALL THE OXYGEN OUT OF MY MAN CAVE!!???” And then little Callan James runs into the house yelling, “MOMMY! Daddy just yelled “GODDIT DAMAGE” in the garage again!!”

My man cave is purposely low tech (except, yes, of course, WiFi). At various times it has housed electric guitars and amps which enable “music therapy” (aka: playing several power chords at MAX volume and distortion with Pete Townsend windmill action).

And, the man cave pièce de résistance: “Sony 6-Disk CD Changer”, circa 1995. Oh the joy of playing MUDDY WATERS, PIXIES, and BJORK in the same glorious used-record store mix! My kids curiously thumbing thru my CD collection asking silly questions like…”Dad, why were the ‘Femmes’ Violent? And, who exactly was ‘Alice’ and why was she in ‘Chains’?” (I realize even sweet young Millennials’s reading this are now Googling to find out WTF I’m talking about. So, cute!)

And, of course, several walls of the man cave are covered with posters featuring the pantheon of sports Gods like Walter Payton (“Sweetness”) and Michael Jordan (“The Jump”). The garage-we-never-park-cars-or-bikes-in is my own homemade CrossFit “box” too! Fitness, weightlifting, and the treadmill are essential to my caveman experience. But wait!!! “WHO PUT THIS POSTER OF PJ MASKS and HANDY MANNY on the WALL??!!!” Are you kidding’ me?! Right next to Muhammad Ali (“Knockout of Liston”)!! Seriously!!?

I’ve seen Handy Manny doing squats and he’s gonna need some extra protein shakes!! That said, I am envious of Handy Manny’s extensive tool set (and carpentry skills) which I secretly covet for my own man cave!!!

But, shhhhhhhh don’t tell the kids!!!!!