October 10, 2018

Like many busy families we’ve been using Blue Apron to make culinary masterpieces like Chicken Enchiladas Verdes (WTF is that anyway!?!) on weekday nights. I’m sure when Emily was ordering these meals in between meetings she had visions of four happy children sitting around the table eating a “Zesty & Tropical” (their description!) meal on a random Tuesday night like a Norman Rockwell scene. Awww, so cute right? WRONG!!! Unless Norman Rockwell was also the Stay-at-Home-Dad (SAHD) who was cleaning the counters, pots, and pans ON A @#%$!! TUESDAY NIGHT!!! Stop. The. Madness! Can we just get back to frozen peas and grilled cheese for godsakes!?

Yes, yes, I’m quite sure Blue Apron is really convenient (and, shhhh, they taste really good) for those who enjoy lingering over a white wine sauce. But, I am RANTING against the Apron because someone (ME!) usually has the dirty jobs that aren’t shown on their website! Like for example, disposing of the giant goo-filled-ice-bags (yes, we have reused these but they are now multiplying like ice rabbits in my freezer!!!). It’s like IKEA for dinner, people! Cardboard boxes filled with little plastic bags requiring lots of assembly!!

And then there is the cleanup operation. OMG! It’s like Thanksgiving Dinner meets kid’s pancake breakfast GONE WILD in our kitchen on Apron night!!! Little plastic bottles of cilantro sauce rolling on the floor like cervezas in the barrio! And WTF am I supposed to do with this UNOPENED baggie of “Mexican Spice Blend”!?!! Oh, just throw that sh*t in the pantry or the junk drawer with all the other random Blue Apron paraphernalia!

Thank goodness the Apron takes a break and I do the cooking. Like when Emily is away and traveling and does not know what I’m making for dinner. Oh, yeah… that’s when I make comfort food like Mac-n-Cheese and hot dogs! And, because I am also the SAHD who is cooking AND cleaning, I economize the utensils to minimize clean-up! Like I’ll be watching the macaroni pot with water boiling and whisper to myself …

“You know, I could just toss a hot dog in there, right? Boil that bad boy up. Probably makes the water more flavorful for the Mac-n-Cheese. In fact, after the hot dog is boiled, I could just cut it up and mix it in with that Annie’s Organic Mac-n-Cheese, right? One pot. YES!!! DO IT!!!!”

And then true SAHD validation comes when the kids are like….. “WHOA!!! DAD, THIS MAC-N-CHEESE-PLUS-HOT-DOGS IS SICK!”

(Which in kid lingo means it’s REALLY GOOD and better than that goody-two-shoes Blue Apron and a helluvalot easier to clean up!!) .

And my meals don’t come with a frozen goo-bag! Drop. The. Mic. BOOM! That’s how a SAHD cooks!