Before embarking on my career as a Stay at Home Dad (SAHD) I worked in high tech software, so I am somewhat an expert in things like “predictive analytics”. Okay, sure, I worked in marketing, but I sat next to really smart millennials who were eating cereal at their desks AND creating algorithms while wearing flip-flops… so, I think I know a thingortwo about these things. So picture me now… standing in my living room… wearing a black turtleneck, jeans, and comfy shoes à la Steve Jobs to make a BIG product announcement [DRUMROLL…]!

Introducing the House Unclean Model Predictor App (or, “HUMPA” for short)!

Well, it’s not exactly an “app” per se, but the HUMPA is a way to predict EXACTLY when your freshly cleaned house will be completely and utterly trashed and resemble the sidewalks of San Francisco’s Tenderloin district. Imagine knowing exactly when your newly mopped kitchen floors will be strewn with oatmeal, Cheerios, cream cheese, and the shattered remnants of the cat food bowl with all the little tuna flava kibbles in every nook-n-cranny of your kitchen with the kitten sitting on your counter looking really cute but also SOOOOOOO guilty of completely messing up your NEWLY CLEANED $#%@ HOUSE!!!!!

[Serenity now. Inhale. Exhale. Doing some lite yoga breathing here in my black turtleneck to avoid completely going mental and taking that goshdarn kitten back to the shelter.]

The HUMPA (House Unclean Model Predictor App) is designed to help you allocate the time you don’t really have to clean up after your kids and pets. As they say, cleanliness is next to godliness and it’s also next to that bottle of wine that you like so much, so let’s keep the house tidy! Okay, so you’re probably wondering exactly how the HUMPA predictor works? Here goes:

First, find some time (probably hours) to really DEEP CLEAN your house which means actually reaching under the kid’s beds and raking out the Halloween candy wrappers, scrubbing the mac-n-cheese goop from inside your stove burners, and most importantly, cleaning your floors until they sparkle like Lil’ Wayne’s teeth grill (from what my kids tell me, very sparkly). Then, after everything is REALLY SUPER CLEAN and you’re resting for five minutes, or just paid the cleaning lady if that’s how you roll, start the HUMPA timer (ie: look at your watch and note the time). Based on my extensive research and predictive models (which, for you non-techie people means “stuff that actually happens in my house every week”) your house is now 1,000 times MORE LIKELY to become catastrophically messy within 24 hours! And by “catastrophically messy” I mean the aforementioned kitten-breaking-the-dishes-and-spilling-tuna-smelling-kibbles-all-over-the-goddamn-floor. BUT, it could also mean finding several piles of dog doo-doo on your previously super clean floors AFTER the dog has ALREADY BEEN OUTSIDE several times but because it’s raining they have to drag all that mud, and leaves, and sh*t into your house!!!!!

[Yoga breaths. Ohhmmm…… ]

The HUMPA predictive model is also really handy by letting you know when you should have your phone/camera nearby to take pictures of the mess and send them to your wife/husband/spouse/partner who is at work in the hopes of eliciting a few shreds of sympathy. Be mindful that it’s not always actual sympathy that you get back. When I sent a picture of the second-dog-doo-pile-this-morning-on-the-super-sparkly-kitchen-floor, Emily texted back saying “Wow! That’s a big one!” Yeah, okay, not exactly making me feel better!? And, this is what marriage feels like now when I’m wearing nothing but a black turtleneck and jeans and sending pictures of dog messes to my wife! OMG!!! What have I become!?? Whatever happened to sending the “not-suitable-for-work-what-are-you-wearing-now-I-might-get-fired-for-sending-this” picture!?!?! Now it’s big brown piles and shattered kitty dishes!!

[Deep breaths. Like really deep… as if I was giving birth. Inhale. Exhale. Woo woo woo!]

So, to recap – HUMPA is now available (yeah!) to all those who really want to keep a tidy house! And, of course, to predict how early is too early to start #daydrinking after you find kids have tracked dirt and mud all over the white carpet that you always new was a big mistake when you bought this house.

[Don’t forget the deep breathing!!!] .

Dad’s Rock!

Textbook example of HUMPA at work!