When the monthly “Real Simple” magazine arrives in our mailbox, I pour myself a really big glass of wine or Kentucky bourbon. Damn you, with all your pictures of handmade wicker baskets and neatly folded lily white towels. Oh, and what’s on the cover? Is that a picture of an artsy floating shelf with neatly arranged B&W photos of THIS YEAR’S family vacation? OMG! What planet do you live on? The headline of your stupid magazine might as well be, “You Suck! Five Ways You Could Keep Your House Cleaner!” I have to keep a copy of “Psychology Today” nearby with that article about “Ten Ways To Avoid Guilt and Self-Loathing When Reading That Damn Real Simple Magazine!”
But, seriously, I look at all those “Real Simple” pictures of color-coded Tupperware and cute wooden boxes with spice jars and think to myself… “Why don’t you come over to my house and see my enormous collection of broken crayons and we’ll see who’s REAL SIMPLE!! B*tches!” Okay, okay, yes I have gleaned a few helpful non-self-hate-inducing tips from “Real Simple” over the years. I especially enjoyed their expose’ on compostable, gluten-free, non-GMO, reusable grocery bags. Okay, I made that sh!t up, but it sounds like something I would read in “Not Really All That Simple”.
And that sillyash article about “Painting A Room: You Can Do It!” Crickey! How ’bout before I “paint the room” like five different shades of Lavender, we talk about how to remove Hangman games written in Sharpie on the walls since the last time we paid REAL PAINTERS to do the job!
I know, I sound bitter. And that might be the bourbon talkin’ . Maybe instead of complaining and whinging about how I’m being clutter shamed by “Real Simple” I can be a contributing writer to the magazine?!
Right?! Okay, let’s see… hmmm… what should my first article be about? How ’bout, “Legos! Shovel Your Way Out of Chaos!”
No, no… maybe something more gritty like, “Too Much Laundry? Try A Gas Can & A Match!” Yes! With pictures of a flaming, smoking, but neatly sorted white load! Who needs OxiClean when fire will do the job better?! And no folding needed! And throw those damn wicker baskets in there too!!!
Look for that in an upcoming issue of “Real Simple: SAHD Style!”