Stand back, people! […and, hold my beer] I have an announcement to make… [drumroll!] At the age of 52, I now have…. [dramatic pause, wait for it..] Super Powers!
BAM-what!?! Just when you thought it was unfair that I had world class triple-threat skills of dishwasher loading, lunch-making, and amazing white laundry, I’ve now added to my arsenal the ability to actually see dog messes in the house! That’s right!! I am the ONLY ONE in my family that can actually SEE little pee puddles and dog logs on the floor! And, I’m the one with the bifocals, OMG, hello!!
At first, I was so full of swagger. I was like… “Ha! Yes, I can see the faint yellow shine of dog wee all the way across the room! Boo-ya! Hey, kids! This little brown pile must clearly be INVISIBLE TO YOU after you’ve tip-toed around it since coming home from school!!”
And, look at me! My hands can actually take a Clorox wipe and clean up the mess! OMG! I have BatmanSupermanSpidermanAcquaman level powers that enables me to see AND clean up dog messes in the house!!?? #donthate because I’ve been blessed with this new gift!
And, I do not blame for one tiny minute the root cause of the situation – “Max”, our 16 year old Schnoodle who is 112 in dog years. Max likes for me to carry him outside at 5:00 am to the grassy backyard where he sniffs around and then comes back in the house and pees on the vacuum. Seriously, please God, let me have some kind of bladder control when I am 112 because clearly no one else in the house will see it!!
Hard to imagine, but….. shhhhh! I’m actually starting to really get tired of my new potty spotting powers. So, is there like a website or Craigslist section for trading super powers? Because, next year when I turn 53, I would like to exchange my gift for something more practical like drinking scotch without a hangover or the ability to see what my 15 year old daughter is doing in the garage with her friend-who-is-a-boy! Or, better yet, just transfer my powers to the kids! Yes, yes! That is what they can give me for my birthday!
Ah, how your birthday wishes change from 22 to 52. Right?
Wait….. MAX!! No, not on my damn shoes!? Where are my Clorox wipes!??!?!?