My wife and kids were watching TV and from across the house I suddenly heard them exclaim, “Oh my God! Dad would be sooooo good at this!!” Hmmmmm? Mildly curious, I wondered what the “this” was. Were they watching some type of extreme sports channel? Powerlifting? Axe throwing? Hot dog eating, perhaps? Their laughs turned giddy when they squealed, “Yes, yes, Dad would dominate this show!!” OMG, my head was swelling! Unexpected compliments?! (#blushing #dont #stop) Yes, it had to be something very strong-n-manly, right? Requiring serious speed and agility. Maybe American Ninja Warrior?! Then came the dénouement, the dramatic reveal…
“Dad! Look at this show called Supermarket Sweep where you drive a shopping cart around the store and toss in as many groceries as fast as possible to win!!” Oh, okay. Really? Grocery store Olympics?! Hold up, people! I do barbell squats and deadlifts!! Hello!? I can RUN too!! Okay, well, not very fast anymore, but I CAN! #goshdarnit. Crestfallen, I glanced at the TV and saw doughy men with muffin-tops literally tossing 12 pound hams into their carts and scraping 17 boxes of Cheez-Its off the shelves with their forearms!! Redonkulous! Yes, well, the heavy ham tossing was something I could easily see myself doing, of course! But, to be considered the #1 Pick in the Supermarket Sweeps Fantasy Draft seriously bruised my 53 year-old protein supplement taking ego! (Okay, yes, I ALSO take that Centrum Silver Mens 50+ daily vitamin too, but still!! Ego crushing!).
“But, Dad, you know the grocery store like the back of your hand!!”, the kids declared. OK, yes, making four or five trips to the store every week will do that. My outlook began to brighten. Yes, I admit it, I do have lit grocery getting skillz. Honed from years of practice and training! In fact, I can sprint from Asian foods and oyster sauces on Aisle 2 clear through to 17-Grain Breads and organic hummus on Aisle 12 in like 20 seconds! I began to envision myself aggressively muscling out lesser Dads as I pulled racks of lamb and family-size boxes of Cheerios off the shelves! Hell, I even know where the jumbo sport pack of tampons are (Aisle 9, right next to the Depends)!!
Yes, yes… this can be my new “masters” sport! (ie: “Masters” is always the tag they give to over.the.hill.older.guys competitions). Imagine me trash talking at the starting line, “This Dad don’t play, fool!” (That’s slang for “This Dad is playing to win!”). Just stay out of my damn lane or I will crush you like a cold glass jar of Claussen’s mini pickles from Aisle 7!
Gold medal SAHD comin’ thru!