The Walk-in-Closet Hostile Takeover


After I became a full-time Stay-at-Home-Dad (SAHD) I tackled several declutter projects starting with the closet I share with Emily. With mucho gusto I organized all my t-shirts, socks, and 100% cotton boxer-briefs (okay, now you know) in multi-colored fabric-y storage cubes. Totally in touch with my inner Martha Stewart, I installed wood shelves to organize my extensive collection of Vans AND bed linens! #boom #notplaying #howyoulikemyclosetnow

But now, a year later, I’ve started to notice the slow unmistakable signs of closet encroachment. Like one day I just happened to find a massive new shoe organizer hanging on the back of the closet door. WTF?! Who authorized THAT!? It had like 15 pairs of pumps and cute strappy heels in various COORDINATED COLORS?! OMG, horror! Like slow growing Georgia kudzu I started noticing little sections of MY SHELVES starting to be filled with lycra. And it’s NOT MINE, people!! #realmendontwearlycra. Yes, that’s right, OUR closet was slowly becoming HER closet! For richer for poorer; better or worse; sickness and health; but are you kidding me you’re initiating a hostile takeover of my closet space!?! #$%@&!

I knew things were serious when I confronted Emily about this blatant annexation. Like Putin lording over Crimea she ADMITTED she was slowly, but purposely, capturing territory previously reserved for my extensive collection of homemade sleeveless cutoff t-shirts!!

I retorted, “Okay, okay, yes, I have a lot of suits in there that I don’t wear anymore. But they looked really nice when I worked in London 10 years ago! And, those ’98 three-button oversized Micheal Jordan style suits WILL NEVER come back in style, but still!?!”

Then came her harsh ultimatum, “So….when do you think you can move out of the closet?”

OMG! Like move where? Into a gym bag?!? Or, an American Girl Doll toy locker that the girls don’t use anymore but where I can keep my socks?!

Unfortunately, Emily is now keenly aware that my SAHD uniform essentially consists of three pairs of faded Levis (same size as I wore in college! woo-woo!), five blue cotton t-shirts, a couple hoodies, two baseball hats, and the aforementioned boxer-briefs. But, the forced exile of my favorite Ted Baker suits is a bridge too far! Closet sovereignty! I’m going to build a damn wall! And have Mexico pay for it!

No, just kidding. I’m going to embrace this new minimalism and throw off the shackles of wardrobes past! Actually, don’t think I have a choice as I just noticed several Zappos boxes on the doorstep. Sorry, Nirvana t-shirts circa ’93, you are being replaced by rubber Hunter boots with really soft wool sock liner inserts. It’s sad, I know. (But, shhhhh!!!! I’ll secretly take you to a box in the garage where we can live forever!!)

Dad’s Rock!

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